“I call it ‘anticipatory eroticism.’ It’s made of time, attention, affection, and then sex” says Dr. Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute and author of several books on sexuality and relationships, including When You’re the One Who Cheats and the recent Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement. “Those are the four things you put into the build-up towards connecting to your partner that are going to make the difference to how you’re actually going to end up in bed together.” Dr. Nelson points out that there’s an important distinction to be made about arousal versus desire. Arousal is something that happens in your body, while desire is something that happens in your head. “I think that’s a misunderstanding about how attraction works and how desire works and that many times arousal can come before desire,” she says. “And if you want to have sex with someone on Saturday, I always joke that you probably have to start on Wednesday.” While we all tend to differ in terms of our need for sex, research confirms that an important factor for both men and women is the desire to, well, feel desired. A 2019 study published in the journal Sex and Marital Therapy, for instance, surveyed 662 straight women to determine what makes them feel sexual desire. The researchers landed on a trio of traits: intimacy (moments of closeness and affection), celebrated otherness (being seen — and celebrated for — being different from their partner), and object-of-desire affirmation (simply enough, wanting to be wanted). While research has been slow to look into men’s need for desire, a smaller 2021 survey published in the same journal reported that 95 percent of men said feeling desired was an important part of sex, with 88 percent noting that their partners could do more to help them feel this way. It’s always important to show affection toward and spend quality time with your partner. But Dr. Nelson stresses that busy couples can also set aside designated times to really prioritize those elements, which can make up for stretches when you’ve been unable to connect. “Like if you said, ‘On Wednesday night, we’re going to have a date where we’re going to spend some time paying attention, being affectionate’ — those can often make up the difference,” she says. So, study up on your foreplay techniques. Get excited about trying new positions. That’s all well and good. But remember to also prioritize the little things that foster eroticism, emotional intimacy, confidence, and closeness. They’re the connective tissue of every relationship, and especially vital when you’re a parent and it can be difficult to find the time to feel sexy. Having a partner who helps remind you that you are is crucial. To that end, here, in no particular order, are 37 small, nice things you can do to help create some closeness and intimacy. Will all of these work for you? Nah. But they’re good to remember and go a long way in building desire.
